As we enter October, some cannot wait for Halloween and October to be entirely behind us as they move us to the time of year of traditions, giving thanks, and spreading joy and love. Then those want nothing more than this time to pass in a blink of an eye. This can be for many reasons, often it is the loss of a loved one. There are so many complicated emotions when a grieving person sees the empty seat at the Thanksgiving table or fewer presents under the Christmas tree. It can lead to feelings of immense sadness, depression, guilt, numbness, anger, and almost any other unsettling emotion.
Holidays without recent, or long-lost, loved ones are so difficult because it is ingrained in us that holidays are meant to be spent with family. Holidays also serve as a point to show time has passed. The first holiday without quickly turns into the third holiday without, which turns into the tenth holiday without. A time of joy and spirit, can turn sour and even lead to resentment of those living with those lively emotions.
The holiday season can also be used to remember those we have lost. A time to lean into the grief, and remember the love they gave us when they were with us. Grief that is left untreated and pushed away turns into pain, but grief that is embraced, well that… that’s love. Use the holiday season to reflect. Reflect on the value your lost person put into your life. Take time to reflect on how they still live through you. Embrace what they loved about the holiday season, and turn that into tradition. Did they have a favorite holiday movie? Did they like looking at the holiday lights? Did they have a favorite dish that was always on the table? Don’t let these things bring you pain now that they aren’t here to enjoy it with you. Instead, learn to love them more, embracing the idea that the things they love will not be forgotten.
It is also important to remember that the way you grieve is yours, and yours only. So if something doesn’t feel right, you do not have to do it. We suggest having plans. The first plan may be to go to the family dinner and spend time together; However, that may not feel right on the day. So, have a backup plan in place. Whether that is watching their favorite holiday movie, going to a place they cherish, or just looking through a photo album. Knowing that you have choices and what those choices are can make navigating the holiday season much more manageable. You also have every right to change holiday traditions or cancel the holiday outright. Don’t feel guilty, as the holidays will come next year. If you feel yourself just going through the motions and feeling nothing, then don’t force it.
With every year that passes, the holidays are going to be different from when your loved one was here. It’s important not to compare yourself to those around you. You will have your own experiences with this as there is no hardline track of moving past your loss. There are no expectations with grief, so don’t put any on yourself. Honestly, the grief will always be there, and that is okay. What you do have control over is how you grow around your grief and the new traditions you create from it.
Written by Ryan Keller MSW Intern
Holidays without recent, or long-lost, loved ones are so difficult because it is ingrained in us that holidays are meant to be spent with family. Holidays also serve as a point to show time has passed. The first holiday without quickly turns into the third holiday without, which turns into the tenth holiday without. A time of joy and spirit, can turn sour and even lead to resentment of those living with those lively emotions.
The holiday season can also be used to remember those we have lost. A time to lean into the grief, and remember the love they gave us when they were with us. Grief that is left untreated and pushed away turns into pain, but grief that is embraced, well that… that’s love. Use the holiday season to reflect. Reflect on the value your lost person put into your life. Take time to reflect on how they still live through you. Embrace what they loved about the holiday season, and turn that into tradition. Did they have a favorite holiday movie? Did they like looking at the holiday lights? Did they have a favorite dish that was always on the table? Don’t let these things bring you pain now that they aren’t here to enjoy it with you. Instead, learn to love them more, embracing the idea that the things they love will not be forgotten.
It is also important to remember that the way you grieve is yours, and yours only. So if something doesn’t feel right, you do not have to do it. We suggest having plans. The first plan may be to go to the family dinner and spend time together; However, that may not feel right on the day. So, have a backup plan in place. Whether that is watching their favorite holiday movie, going to a place they cherish, or just looking through a photo album. Knowing that you have choices and what those choices are can make navigating the holiday season much more manageable. You also have every right to change holiday traditions or cancel the holiday outright. Don’t feel guilty, as the holidays will come next year. If you feel yourself just going through the motions and feeling nothing, then don’t force it.
With every year that passes, the holidays are going to be different from when your loved one was here. It’s important not to compare yourself to those around you. You will have your own experiences with this as there is no hardline track of moving past your loss. There are no expectations with grief, so don’t put any on yourself. Honestly, the grief will always be there, and that is okay. What you do have control over is how you grow around your grief and the new traditions you create from it.
Written by Ryan Keller MSW Intern
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